I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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