please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
