the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
