I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
