I wish my penis had an off switch
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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