Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
