This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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