haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
