Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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