Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
