I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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