I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
3pm strippers are depressing
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
