Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
