At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
