I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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