I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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