I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
