forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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