I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
