Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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