Your mouth is God's brothel.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
