I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
