you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
