I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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