Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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