I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
