the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
