I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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