have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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