Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
