I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
