Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
