Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
