After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
