His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You can't special order awesome
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
