I got chris browned last night
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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