hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just pee around me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
