So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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