I want to make a zoo with you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
