I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
