yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
