my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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