I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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