So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
