i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
