I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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