She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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