I think my vagina is haunted
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
