omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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