Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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