I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
